Communication – Part 2

There are many techniques for communication between romantic partners, such as “speaker/listener” and “fighting fair” rules for handling conflict.  What does not seem to get much attention or focus is how all these techniques fit into a bigger picture.  We can’t have a great relationship by just following (trying, at least) any one technique.  Everything fits into a bigger picture of the health of our relationship.  If there is underlying tension, techniques may be ineffective, if what is needed, for instance, is time to have fun together.

So it seems that when thinking about communicating better with our mates, we have to think in terms of aspects of the relationship being in balance.  I know that with a baby, in particular, I have to try to be vigilant about my marriage getting enough attention.  It is easy to be focused on aspects of raising my children, particularly the demands of caring for an infant, that seem never-ending.  And then it is easy to only want to talk about her – her progress, what she needs, etc.  Then there is trying to keep up with the demands of a preteen, that sometimes go on the back burner as I tend to my baby.  Unfortunately, it is easy for my husband to end up last on the list for nurturing.  I am sure this is a struggle for many women.  We can hardly get to ourselves, who are very often at the very end of the list.

Awareness of the health of our relationship is important.  It then allows us to ascertain what is needed and to provide that when possible.  Maybe it means trying to squeeze in a quick supportive email or phone call.  We have to keep doing something everyday to maintain connection and not let the demands of our day get the best of us.  My husband and I try to take at least a few minutes at the end of the day to watch a funny show together and laugh together.  That is connecting and can defuse tension and stress, enabling more effective communication later.  It has been said that the most important aspect of keeping a marriage strong is friendship and having fun together.  We can’t lose sight of this as we find ways to communicate better and try to utilize techniques such as using “I” statements (“I feel…when you….”) instead of “you” (accusatory) statements.